Conversations with pigeons: reflections on life in self-isolation.
Well, I have to be honest, I wasn't directly talking to the pigeons... I was talking to them through my cat... introducing them to each other through the window. Probably makes me more batty than you first thought. And that was about half way through my first 24 hours of self-isolation.
They say* that when you feel emotions you should try as hard as you can to take time to feel them, rather than suppress them with food, or Netflix, or work, or instagram. They say** that writing is one way to process your feelings. I thought I'd give it a go rather than go (as the Americans say) batshit crazy. Interesting phrase that is... I wonder if its the shit of bats that looks crazy or someone swinging a bat badly is crazy?
So this corona has suddenly given us a whole load more time to think and just be with ourselves (when we're not consuming the entirety of the internet). More space, more time for creative expression, and all that cleaning, and the creative projects I've just been too busy for. One thing I decided I want to do is make this website; organising some of my photography, but also trying to extrapolate the inner dialogue I have regarding this painting of light. Apparently blogging can help with that***.
I've spent the last couple of weeks literally avoiding this space. It's been open on my browser the whole time, like a spiderweb in the corner of the room that you know you need to remove but it's never quite urgent enough to get the duster out. I guess it's partly the intimidation of a blank canvas, but I know it's also the vulnerability of putting my work out there. The taunts of who do I think I am to even try; that my work isn't professional enough, finished enough, meaningful enough; the fear of rejection or embarrassment.
And so, it's much easier to have conversations with pigeons through the window via my cat. Or watch another episode of that crappy reality show on Netflix which somehow got me more drawn-in than any beautifully crafted documentary. Or to scroll and scroll on instagram only to stumble across that cheeky little comment - "you're all caught up - you've seen all new posts from the last 3 days" - insert tail-behind-my-legs emoji.
And it seems like it's much easier to talk about anything and everything other than photography. I honestly just took a 20 minute 'break' on instagram to get away from doing this. So, I guess I should begin with the featured photo. There was something about this pristine, fashionable woman being surrounded by these dirty rats-with-wings. Something tender in her approach to them and something poignant in the individualism of the pigeons. It's a picture I keep coming back to; there's a degree of loneliness that feels appropriate for times like these. The fear of being alone is something that many of us are going to have to wrestle with in self-isolation. I just hope that I'm brave enough to feel through the loneliness rather than virtually saturate myself with distractions from what's going on inside of me. Time will tell.
*people on a podcast I listened to this morning
**hard core facts from an instagram story.
***inspiration from the talented Celine Marchbank
